Forgiveness

While I was working out at the gym today 7x70 Time by Chris August came on my IPOD. I heard this song for the first time last march and had to pull over cause I couldn't stop crying. It struck a chord with me and I believe it has a great message.

I come from a divorced family and Dad who just wasn't there. Unlike the song there was no screaming and yelling, but my family did fall apart. When I was eight my Dad walked out of our family, he refused to get help for his alcholisim, so he left. I can close my eyes and I am right back there sitting on the couch crying with my mom and brothers bot really knowing what all that meant.

My Dad was never consistent in our lives he would pop in and out, he would say he would try and make plays and graduations but something else always came up. From the time I was 8 my heart was broken, and there were times where the hurt was so much, the doubt of myself was so heavy that I thought I would be crushed.

I am thankful for my Uncles who stepped up, and showed me and my brothers love and did their best to fill in the gap. I am thankful for different adult men in my life, who encouraged me and took interest in me as an adopted daughter. I am thankful for the Friend ( I can't even remember her name now) who invited me to church where I learned about my heavenly Father who would not let me down, who loves me unconditionally and who always forgives me.

I am doing alright I have two wonderful boys and a husband who loves me. I made it through and now I am raising my own children, who are lucky enough to have a father who will always be around. 


Six years ago I started a journey in really getting to the root of ( for lack of a better term) " My daddy issues" I am still working through things but I can say  I have learned to forgive my father, and it was the most freeing thing I ever did. For the longest time I wanted  to sit with him and ask him "why?" hoping for what, an apology, I am not sure. Any time I would get close to the subject he would avoid it. Now I know I don't need an explanation, he will be accountable to God for his actions not me. I am able to forgive him. I am still forgiving him for new stuff that I find that has been buried deep down for so long.

The day I was able to finally forgive him for the big thing, the hard thing, him leaving it was so freeing. It was like a weight was lifted off of me. Things changed I am able to be okay with where he is at as far as being in mine and my boys lives. I have never told him that I forgive him because I don't think I need to right now. Mainly because at this point I don't think he even knows what effect he has had and that I even needed to forgive him. I pray one day he will find God, be sober and when he does and if he asks for my forgiveness, I will be able to look him in the face and say " Dad I already have!"

Foucus

This morning at church part of the sermon talk about Philippians 4 specifically the following verse:

Phl 4:8

¶

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things [are] honest, whatsoever things [are] just, whatsoever things [are] pure, whatsoever things [are] lovely, whatsoever things [are] of good report; if [there be] any virtue, and if [there be] any praise, think on these things.                                                                                                                               This verse challenged me, what is it that I am thinking about daily. My thoughts need to focus on the good, pure, honest, lovely. Not worry, fear, anger or resentment.  How can I be giving praise to God through out my day if my thoughts are focusing on everything bad that is happening. I am not in control of what is happening, my circumstances may not change, but I am in control of what I am thinking, and changing my out look.  The bible it says to   hold my thoughts captive, and by doing so I can change to only be thinking on things that are honest, true, pure, and lovely. As soon as I notice a thought that doesn't fit in to those categories stop it. This week I am going to make a more focused try to do this in my life and see how it can change things.   My challenge to you is what are you thinking about?

Fear

Fear is something everyone has at one point or another in their life. The problem with fear is that it can become a driving force in your life and every decision you make is out of fear. Fear shows a lack of trust, you can fear your husband is going to leave, because you don't trust he would stick with you no matter what happens. When fear becomes a driving force in your life, as a Christian, you are not trusting God.

Absence of fear doesn't mean you think nothing bad will ever happen, it means that you trust that God is sovereign and he will use all things to help grow you and has a different plan than you thought. Everyone goes through tough times, it is all how you choose to deal with them and let them impact your future decisions. Learning to give all things to God is hard, even harder is leaving them there. It is like we take the ball from him and play with it a while, when we have no business playing with it in the first place. He is the only one qualified to take care of the things in our life.

Learn to give to God with an open hand, and let go of fear, for God is not a God of fear.

Depression

I just want to start off by saying I am not a health care provider and I have no medical degree. Everything I am about to post is of my own opinion from personal experience or research I have done online or in books.

This may not be the best first blog but this is something that weighs heavily on my heart. I have struggled with depression all of my adult life. I have been both on anti-depressants and off in and out of counseling and a combination of the two. I have fibromyalgia so this will be the continuing pattern of my life. Such as the person I am I have done lots of research and keep on top of my moods and try and listen to my husband and others close to me with they say something needs to change. They know the red flags and we all have the same goals for me to be healthy. 

Depression I think it it is taboo in some social circles, in my opinion, especially Christan apparently that is just not acceptable ( mind you I am not stating all, just some). Anti-depressants, under the supervision of a licenced  Doctor sometimes are needed. Depression isn't just feeling down for a time. It is a lack of loving life. It is losing the want to function and do what God has designed you to do. Losing the joy in what you once loved. . It is sad that people have put such bad connotations with antidepressants that people fear getting help. Yes there are risks, but there are also risks for not getting help and at some point the benefits way out weigh the risks.

Anti depressants are not a cure all. They are best used coupled counseling so you can get to the root of the problems and learn coping techniques.

If left untreated depression can be fatal. Don't ignore the warning signs be willing to reach to a Friend and recognize when you need help. Don't do it for anyone but you, believe me your life is worth saving, one man on a cross thought so 2,000 years ago and nothing has changed.