Forgiveness

While I was working out at the gym today 7x70 Time by Chris August came on my IPOD. I heard this song for the first time last march and had to pull over cause I couldn't stop crying. It struck a chord with me and I believe it has a great message.

I come from a divorced family and Dad who just wasn't there. Unlike the song there was no screaming and yelling, but my family did fall apart. When I was eight my Dad walked out of our family, he refused to get help for his alcholisim, so he left. I can close my eyes and I am right back there sitting on the couch crying with my mom and brothers bot really knowing what all that meant.

My Dad was never consistent in our lives he would pop in and out, he would say he would try and make plays and graduations but something else always came up. From the time I was 8 my heart was broken, and there were times where the hurt was so much, the doubt of myself was so heavy that I thought I would be crushed.

I am thankful for my Uncles who stepped up, and showed me and my brothers love and did their best to fill in the gap. I am thankful for different adult men in my life, who encouraged me and took interest in me as an adopted daughter. I am thankful for the Friend ( I can't even remember her name now) who invited me to church where I learned about my heavenly Father who would not let me down, who loves me unconditionally and who always forgives me.

I am doing alright I have two wonderful boys and a husband who loves me. I made it through and now I am raising my own children, who are lucky enough to have a father who will always be around. 


Six years ago I started a journey in really getting to the root of ( for lack of a better term) " My daddy issues" I am still working through things but I can say  I have learned to forgive my father, and it was the most freeing thing I ever did. For the longest time I wanted  to sit with him and ask him "why?" hoping for what, an apology, I am not sure. Any time I would get close to the subject he would avoid it. Now I know I don't need an explanation, he will be accountable to God for his actions not me. I am able to forgive him. I am still forgiving him for new stuff that I find that has been buried deep down for so long.

The day I was able to finally forgive him for the big thing, the hard thing, him leaving it was so freeing. It was like a weight was lifted off of me. Things changed I am able to be okay with where he is at as far as being in mine and my boys lives. I have never told him that I forgive him because I don't think I need to right now. Mainly because at this point I don't think he even knows what effect he has had and that I even needed to forgive him. I pray one day he will find God, be sober and when he does and if he asks for my forgiveness, I will be able to look him in the face and say " Dad I already have!"

Courageous

Tonight my husband and I were able to to go on a date night and saw the newly released movie Courageous it is by the same people who did Fireproof and Facing the Giants. I strongly suggest going and seeing this movie, I don't think I have gone from crying, to laughing back to crying this much in any other movie.

With out giving to much away, it is basically about a group of fathers that make a decision to be the kind of Fathers God has asked them to be according to scripture. It is very moving and I don't think anyone in the packed movie theater walked out the same as they walked in.

After the movie we walked to Jamba Juice for a quick treat before heading home. As we talked about the movie, my husband shared the points that hit him the most. One of which just being around isn't enough, he feels he needs to actively engage in our sons lives. 

We also talked about men being the spiritual leader of the household. That is where it hit me, do I  allow my husband to lead our boys? Do I actively listen to him and God when I need to take a step back? Do i push my agenda on him, instead of suggesting something and listening to how he feels about it?

I am going to take a risk and make a HUGE generalization here but I believe many women in our culture have been taught that they shouldn't have to let go of the right to run the family. We were raised to be strong independent. How can you do that when you are being submissive?

Submission is not about being a doormat, it is about knowing only one person can lead the family and God decided it was the husband. It doesn't mean you don't have a voice, it just means when someone has to make the decision and there is no agreement, the husband has to take on that responsibility. One day our husbands will stand before God and be held accountable for their families that is why they get to lead.

The main verse they use in the movie is in Joshua "As for me and my house we will serve the Lord" we have always used this as the foundation for our family. We want people to know when they interact with us that we love God. Tonight that verse took on another meaning, God wants my Husband to be the leader of the house, and for me to let him.

If we are to take  " as for me and my house we will serve the Lord" and try and live it not only should the outside world see God working in our family, but our sons should see what a family is in Gods design my husband leading and me following him.

Homeschool in the ER

On Wednesday this week i went in to the Emergency care clinic with what I was certain was a kidney stone. They deemed I was not in "enough" pain to run any scans saw a had a kidney infection and sent me on my way.

Yesterday I was not feeling any better so we called the advice nurse and she suggested going back to the Emergency care clinic since there were no open appointments. We decided instead to take the trip to the ER since we were not happy with the care at the ECC.

While at the ER they ran a scan and found out there was a massive kidney stone. So while we were there for MANY hours my 5 year old got to learn how to put in an IV, and what it does. How a CT scan works and see the inside of Mommy's body and all sorts of cool stuff. Who says you can't learn through life experiences. 

Our Life as of late

So I am not very good at this whole updating my blog thing :p but I am trying and that is what counts.

We are starting week 4 of schooling and things are going well, there are the challenges, getting the toddler to color with out eating the crayons. Today I gave him dabber's he ate those too! But I got my house clean while my kindergartner worked on his seat work and the toddler was contained.  I have put a new system in place to help my kindergartner stay focused, he is thinking that most of his school work is beneath him so he will draw on his page or whatever. Today was rough since it was day 1 but things went so much better than last week, once the tears stopped. Here is to no more tears by the end of the week, (  I have such high hopes).

We joined a co-op and that was a lot of fun, it took my kindergartner a while to warm up. Which I expected, he has generalized Anxiety disorder so new situations are rough. The great thing was instead of him shutting me down and refusing to go back we came up with some great ideas together that might help him next time. Which is such a great improvement for him, we have been taking him to see a therapist since the beginning of the year and we are now starting to see the work we have all put in come around full circle. He still has a ways to go but it is so reassuring seeing him take these steps. 

I am on week 4 of my new work out regimen, it is going well, I am not dieing as much as I was in the beginning and I have increased my weight and my reps. Also I am doing much better on the treadmill. This is my last week of this section then on to the next, finally after I have gotten in a groove. I am loosing weight at a pretty decent rate. I am hoping to meet my first goal by the middle of November we will see how that goes. I am setting goals of losing 10% of my body weight every 3 months or so until I get down to my goal weight.

I am hoping to be able to get on her more and share my thoughts more often. We shall see how that works out :)

6 Years

A few weeks ago my Husband and I celebrated our 6 year wedding anniversary. We had an romantic candle light picnic on our living room floor while the kids watched a movie upstairs ( plan B when there are no available babysitters). It was a lovely evening and we spent sometime talking about were we started and where we are now and how unexpected things can get. Since then  I have thought about how what things I have learned so far in our adventure in marriage and parenting. Here is a list of what I have come up with, ENJOY!

1. You make plans and God laughs.
2. You can love someone more than life it self
3. I would be able to speak Army speak fluently. 
4. Never say never
5. Being a stay at home Mom is the most rewarding job on the face of the planet
6. Home is where you make it
7. Looking for a new church is the hardest part of moving
8. Family isn't just those who share your DNA
9. It only takes one afternoon for movers to pack up your entire life
10. No matter the distance there are friends who will be there no matter what.
11. When you have to you can make it through anything.
12. Mom's don't get sick days.
13. God puts you in the right places at the right time. 
14. Even if you can't see it at the time God is using everything for your benefit. 
15. Marriage is the most wonderful thing, even though your spouse can drive you up the wall at times.
16. I can teach my kids.
17. Technology is wonderful.
18. No one will agree with everything you decide, or what you do for your kids, but that is okay as long as you are okay with it.
19. Don't count on anything till it is actually happening.
20. When you husband is gone your phone is never out of site.
21. Kids are resilient.
22. You do the best you can, and that just has to be enough some days.
23. Having kids changes everything, in a good way.
24. Marriage is hard work, but more than worth it.
25. you can miss the dirty clothes on the bathroom floor
26. It doesn't matter how long you have been Married, you need to make the effort to date.
27. A good babysitter is worth her weight in Gold.
28. After 13 months of deployment a dirty stinky uniform is the best thing you  have ever smelt.
29. Doesn't matter how many times you have said Good bye it doesn't get any easier. 
30. At first you think it is going to take awhile to get used to sharing a bed, then at some point you can't sleep in an empty bed. 
31. You can still get butterflies when you see him for the first time in weeks or months
32. No matter how bad your day is " I love you mommy" and a hug can make it better :)

I hope you enjoyed my list, leave some of things you have learned in this crazy journey of love in my comments.
Until next time