Forgiveness

While I was working out at the gym today 7x70 Time by Chris August came on my IPOD. I heard this song for the first time last march and had to pull over cause I couldn't stop crying. It struck a chord with me and I believe it has a great message.

I come from a divorced family and Dad who just wasn't there. Unlike the song there was no screaming and yelling, but my family did fall apart. When I was eight my Dad walked out of our family, he refused to get help for his alcholisim, so he left. I can close my eyes and I am right back there sitting on the couch crying with my mom and brothers bot really knowing what all that meant.

My Dad was never consistent in our lives he would pop in and out, he would say he would try and make plays and graduations but something else always came up. From the time I was 8 my heart was broken, and there were times where the hurt was so much, the doubt of myself was so heavy that I thought I would be crushed.

I am thankful for my Uncles who stepped up, and showed me and my brothers love and did their best to fill in the gap. I am thankful for different adult men in my life, who encouraged me and took interest in me as an adopted daughter. I am thankful for the Friend ( I can't even remember her name now) who invited me to church where I learned about my heavenly Father who would not let me down, who loves me unconditionally and who always forgives me.

I am doing alright I have two wonderful boys and a husband who loves me. I made it through and now I am raising my own children, who are lucky enough to have a father who will always be around. 


Six years ago I started a journey in really getting to the root of ( for lack of a better term) " My daddy issues" I am still working through things but I can say  I have learned to forgive my father, and it was the most freeing thing I ever did. For the longest time I wanted  to sit with him and ask him "why?" hoping for what, an apology, I am not sure. Any time I would get close to the subject he would avoid it. Now I know I don't need an explanation, he will be accountable to God for his actions not me. I am able to forgive him. I am still forgiving him for new stuff that I find that has been buried deep down for so long.

The day I was able to finally forgive him for the big thing, the hard thing, him leaving it was so freeing. It was like a weight was lifted off of me. Things changed I am able to be okay with where he is at as far as being in mine and my boys lives. I have never told him that I forgive him because I don't think I need to right now. Mainly because at this point I don't think he even knows what effect he has had and that I even needed to forgive him. I pray one day he will find God, be sober and when he does and if he asks for my forgiveness, I will be able to look him in the face and say " Dad I already have!"

Courageous

Tonight my husband and I were able to to go on a date night and saw the newly released movie Courageous it is by the same people who did Fireproof and Facing the Giants. I strongly suggest going and seeing this movie, I don't think I have gone from crying, to laughing back to crying this much in any other movie.

With out giving to much away, it is basically about a group of fathers that make a decision to be the kind of Fathers God has asked them to be according to scripture. It is very moving and I don't think anyone in the packed movie theater walked out the same as they walked in.

After the movie we walked to Jamba Juice for a quick treat before heading home. As we talked about the movie, my husband shared the points that hit him the most. One of which just being around isn't enough, he feels he needs to actively engage in our sons lives. 

We also talked about men being the spiritual leader of the household. That is where it hit me, do I  allow my husband to lead our boys? Do I actively listen to him and God when I need to take a step back? Do i push my agenda on him, instead of suggesting something and listening to how he feels about it?

I am going to take a risk and make a HUGE generalization here but I believe many women in our culture have been taught that they shouldn't have to let go of the right to run the family. We were raised to be strong independent. How can you do that when you are being submissive?

Submission is not about being a doormat, it is about knowing only one person can lead the family and God decided it was the husband. It doesn't mean you don't have a voice, it just means when someone has to make the decision and there is no agreement, the husband has to take on that responsibility. One day our husbands will stand before God and be held accountable for their families that is why they get to lead.

The main verse they use in the movie is in Joshua "As for me and my house we will serve the Lord" we have always used this as the foundation for our family. We want people to know when they interact with us that we love God. Tonight that verse took on another meaning, God wants my Husband to be the leader of the house, and for me to let him.

If we are to take  " as for me and my house we will serve the Lord" and try and live it not only should the outside world see God working in our family, but our sons should see what a family is in Gods design my husband leading and me following him.

Foucus

This morning at church part of the sermon talk about Philippians 4 specifically the following verse:

Phl 4:8

¶

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things [are] honest, whatsoever things [are] just, whatsoever things [are] pure, whatsoever things [are] lovely, whatsoever things [are] of good report; if [there be] any virtue, and if [there be] any praise, think on these things.                                                                                                                               This verse challenged me, what is it that I am thinking about daily. My thoughts need to focus on the good, pure, honest, lovely. Not worry, fear, anger or resentment.  How can I be giving praise to God through out my day if my thoughts are focusing on everything bad that is happening. I am not in control of what is happening, my circumstances may not change, but I am in control of what I am thinking, and changing my out look.  The bible it says to   hold my thoughts captive, and by doing so I can change to only be thinking on things that are honest, true, pure, and lovely. As soon as I notice a thought that doesn't fit in to those categories stop it. This week I am going to make a more focused try to do this in my life and see how it can change things.   My challenge to you is what are you thinking about?

6 Years

A few weeks ago my Husband and I celebrated our 6 year wedding anniversary. We had an romantic candle light picnic on our living room floor while the kids watched a movie upstairs ( plan B when there are no available babysitters). It was a lovely evening and we spent sometime talking about were we started and where we are now and how unexpected things can get. Since then  I have thought about how what things I have learned so far in our adventure in marriage and parenting. Here is a list of what I have come up with, ENJOY!

1. You make plans and God laughs.
2. You can love someone more than life it self
3. I would be able to speak Army speak fluently. 
4. Never say never
5. Being a stay at home Mom is the most rewarding job on the face of the planet
6. Home is where you make it
7. Looking for a new church is the hardest part of moving
8. Family isn't just those who share your DNA
9. It only takes one afternoon for movers to pack up your entire life
10. No matter the distance there are friends who will be there no matter what.
11. When you have to you can make it through anything.
12. Mom's don't get sick days.
13. God puts you in the right places at the right time. 
14. Even if you can't see it at the time God is using everything for your benefit. 
15. Marriage is the most wonderful thing, even though your spouse can drive you up the wall at times.
16. I can teach my kids.
17. Technology is wonderful.
18. No one will agree with everything you decide, or what you do for your kids, but that is okay as long as you are okay with it.
19. Don't count on anything till it is actually happening.
20. When you husband is gone your phone is never out of site.
21. Kids are resilient.
22. You do the best you can, and that just has to be enough some days.
23. Having kids changes everything, in a good way.
24. Marriage is hard work, but more than worth it.
25. you can miss the dirty clothes on the bathroom floor
26. It doesn't matter how long you have been Married, you need to make the effort to date.
27. A good babysitter is worth her weight in Gold.
28. After 13 months of deployment a dirty stinky uniform is the best thing you  have ever smelt.
29. Doesn't matter how many times you have said Good bye it doesn't get any easier. 
30. At first you think it is going to take awhile to get used to sharing a bed, then at some point you can't sleep in an empty bed. 
31. You can still get butterflies when you see him for the first time in weeks or months
32. No matter how bad your day is " I love you mommy" and a hug can make it better :)

I hope you enjoyed my list, leave some of things you have learned in this crazy journey of love in my comments.
Until next time

New Year's Resoultions

I don't do New Year's Resolutions, to put it plainly because by February I have failed and they never  bring about real change. I do take time at the end of the year to reflect. Reflect on how I have been as a Christan, Wife, Mom and Friend. Then set realistic goals to change my behavior so I  can do better in these aspects of my life.

This past year has been good and hectic for us , last January my husband was half way through a year long school that was high stress, he graduated and that meant another move this time to Hawaii. We also welcomed a new member to our family while he was in school. We made a trip home for a month while we were moving, and lived in a hotel while we waited on a house. That was a challenging time but we made the best of it and can laugh about it now.  Our oldest has turned in to a  little boy right before our eyes, this year he will be 5, where has the time gone. He is so smart and can learn and retain things so fast.

It was a good year full of fond memories and good times. Along with all the good there is one big bad I was diagnosed with fibromialgia and since we have arrived that have been our rain cloud. It seems like that colors everything we do. It is looming in the corner, my husband is concerned I am overexerting myself and one minute I can be fine and the next I am done for the day. We are coping well and are blessed to have some amazing Dr's here who are helping me make the best of this diagnosis.

My goals as a Christan be in the word more. Pray more. Stand out more.

My goals as a wife this year are to meet my husbands needs better. He doesn't always make them known, so I am going to commit to pray specifically that God will show me what he needs so I can meet his needs. He takes care of me fully I want to be able to do the same.

As a mother make sure I am doing what I can to give my children the best I can to help them be the best they can be even if it makes no sense to anyone else.

As a friend, check in more. Call, e mail, text, just keep in contact and encourage.

I hope you all had a wonderful 2010 and wish you a blessed 2011!

Priorities

Priorities funny how different people place different value on the different things and people in their life. Not all people have the same family values, enjoy a good book, listen to music ect. However, the bible makes it clear how we as Christians are supposed to prioritize our lives.
1. God
2. Spouse
3. Children
4. Home
5. Yourself
6. Outside the home

Starting with God is the only place to start the bible is filled with examples of "rising early" or having "quiet time" with the Lord. We need to make sure our spiritual tank is full before we try and take care of anyone or we will fall flat on our face. God is the only one who is able to help us love in the most pure unadulterated way. If we don't meet God first and keep our relationship right with him then we are pretty much at a lost.

Second is to our spouse we were created to be his help meet. There to pick up the extra slack, meet his needs and take care of him. Our husbands need to be made to feel special and we are the only ones who should be doing it.

Third your Children we are commanded to raise up our children in the way that they should go. They are gifts from God and entrusted to us no one else. It is our job as parents to make sure they have what they need.

Fourth the home, we as women are the climate of the home. If the husband comes home to a frantic house, everything is turned upside down, kids are running around, wife is yelling he is going to get all riled up too. The opposite is also true, we can make or break the evening in our homes, amazing how much power we can hold over the moods in our home.

Fifth yourself, I guess you were wondering were you fit in on this list. Well now you know. Being last doesn't mean you get forgotten, I have found in taking care of my time with God and my husband, my kids and my home I am taking care of me. That is who God created me to be. This is the season where I rock crying babies, kiss boo boos, wonder what mess I am coming to when I hear " mommy come look what I did''. One day there will be no need for kisses, or checking for monsters under the bed. So I don't want to miss it.

Lastly is the outside world, we are called to go and be disciples of every nation baptising them in the name of the Father the Son and the Holy Spirit. So go, but take care of your family and your self first because God gave you them first and in time you can go forth and conquer the world.

Chivalry is not Dead

At least not in my house. My husband reminded me tonight that he is a rare breed of man and that I am a very lucky woman. He may not be the most romantic, sweep you off your feet kind of guy but it is the little everyday things that count. He takes care of me, wholly and fully and puts my needs and safety first which is hard to come by in a man these days.

While we are out walking he always walks on the street side, if we cannot walk side by side he will walk behind so he can " keep an eye on me". He still opens my door, dishes up my plate when we are out places ( sometimes even at home) pulls out my chair for me. No I do live in a fairy tale, he is just this wonderful.

The icing on the cake is the simple thoughtfulness of the little things like not making me get up to take him into work( we have only one car), he will just ride his bike since I am not used to getting up that early and really need my sleep. He goes above and beyond and is truly amazing and reminds me that chivalry is not dead.

When I mention this to him he just says this is how a husband is supposed to act. Be jealous, I am blessed, I know.